A Life of Capability Celebrated and Remembered

Last fall, a friend stopped by and brought me a fridge magnet that she said caught her attention and made her think of me. In bold white letters on a black background is the quote:

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, steer a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new project, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly." -- Robert Heinlein.

The friend who gave me this great fridge magnet was complimenting my capability. I was humbled and honored, and I immediately thought of a role model who exhibited capabilities and capacities far beyond my own, in whom I look to as a mentor and guide.

My maternal grandmother, Karen Louise Rasmussen Lundell Steele was the epitome of capability. She was 5 ft. 1 inches of pure power. Though in the physical sense, most every family member over the age of ten towered over her, in the spiritual sense, she was boundless. Day in and day out, she rose at 4:00 AM to greet the morning with a five mile power walk. Walking her pace made the blood pool in my fingers, as I had to swing my arms too hard to keep the pace. I went with her a few times and practically jogged to keep up.

Her day flowed from one activity to the next. She accomplished more by 9:00 AM than most people achieve in a 24 hour period. I watched in awe as she scrubbed dishes, walls and baseboards, vacuumed, made telephone calls, fixed meals to take to sick friends and neighbors, weeded her yard, planned a primary lesson, organized a closet, finished a quilt, and prepared to leave to run errands. Did I mention she could do all that by 9:00 AM?! She could never sit still. Even in her down time, which consisted of watching the 10:00 PM news while brushing her teeth and writing in her journal, she was exquisitely productive. She hit her pillow each night exhausted from the thrill of hard work and real living and rose again with the same renewed and tireless vigor she carried throughout her life.

An afternoon in her presence was inspiring. She filled volumes and volumes of journals, left a legacy of six children, twenty seven grandchildren, and who knows how many great grandchildren. Well, she did. She had every one of them scheduled into her calendar and each received a birthday card, religiously. Each grandchild received a handmade quilt upon their high school graduation. Each new grandbaby and great grandbaby received a handmade quilt. Every Christmas and Easter she put on the biggest parties imaginable in her small and welcoming house. These events could be counted on as surely as the sun rising each day. She was faithful and consistent in every aspect of her life. Nothing got in her way, nothing held her back, not even cancer, and only death itself could stop her.

She was all a grandma should be, fun loving, creative, family focused, full of faith and love. She loved the Lord and used her considerable and varied talents, skills, gifts and abilities to serve others. The capability at which she could perform these skills was superhuman in life, and perfect in death. I feel her presence often and know that she is assisting and intervening in my behalf and especially in important family matters. Her influence is now completely unstoppable and eternal and the impact she has is just as broad.

Happy Birthday, Grandma! I love you and miss you and look forward to seeing you again!

After the Crash: The Purpose in the Pain

Last night we picked up my bike from the bike shop after getting it repaired. Luckily, the damages to it, like the ones I sustained, were minor. I got a new helmet and some new cycling clothes as mine have gotten too big anyway. I rode my bike across the parking lot and my smile was beaming! It just so happens that the angle of leaning to grip the handlebars is just the proper stance and pressure to hold a broken clavicle in the correct healing position. :)

This morning I rode the trainer in my living room. Shawn set it up to face the window and opened it for me so the wind was on my face. I was amazed at the irony of the ride. When I am out riding on the street, I can mentally be other places, thinking about other things. When I was riding the trainer, my mind was out on my regular 20 mile route. I was able to visualize stride for stride, exactly where I would be on the ride by the music and muscle memory. I stood up on the pedals in the places I normally would to get up a hill or get through a light. I even pulled in the driveway at home right as the music went back to the first song--the place it always gets to when I'm done. I checked the time and exactly an hour and a half had passed just as it does when I ride 20 miles outside. Of course outside is better, but I'm contenting myself with what my protective Other Half (aka Shawn) feels is a good idea right now.



During that time today, I was thinking about my injury and how it really was so minimal in the overall scheme of things. I mean, I was hit by a car. I wondered at the purpose for it. In that moment, a rush of inspiration entered my mind powerfully, as Heavenly Father told me what it was about. He was getting my attention, just as He did through my birth, and near death experience with my last baby, Matthew. He focused my mind on the fact that I was fully geared up, protected, covered by the proper helmet, gloves, and clothing, and that I had been obedient to all traffic laws, and that because I was obedient and prepared, my damages were minimal. Metaphorically, I had on the full armor of God. I was not destroyed by the fiery darts of the adversary. I experienced the physical representation of being attacked, yet being shielded by the armor of God and its subsequent protection.

God wanted my mind and heart focused on this fact in my preparation to create Battle For Souls. He wants my mind and heart focused on the correct message that I am to communicate and to have a very real temporal and spiritual testimony of it.

I will literally be riding outside again next week. I am healing quickly and ability is returning rapidly. Today I was able to fully dress myself! :) I talked with a bike shop employee last night who also was hit by a car years ago and broke his clavicle. He had muscle damage as well and required surgery. He was back on his bike inside a week. He got an insurance settlement for his injury. He used it to buy an expensive racing bike as it had always been his dream. He talked about how much that accident changed and saved his life for the better and that the discomfort of that accident was so miniscule compared to the health benefits he has received over the last 20 years of riding. I got teary listening to him as I felt the truth of what he said. "Accidents" tend do do that; change us for the better, if we let them.

Life is risk. It is dangerous. Sometimes it is pain. Becoming excellent at something means risking misery and pain as it teaches us excellence and becoming more like God. Living "small", not doing what it takes to learn excellence, living in fear, afraid of failure and pain only keep us small. The joy, mental clarity, inspiration, weight loss and overall health benefits I've experienced will keep me riding despite this temporary setback. Temporally and spiritually, I will remain fully engaged in the battle and keep on the full armor of God.

Bring It On!

This morning I could hardly see to cycle. Tears come easily for me and my experience today was too much.

Aura joined me for a twenty mile ride. She was adamant that I go my usual pace and not slow down for her. I can respect that. I love a challenge too. This put her about a half mile behind me at any given time. As I looked back over my shoulder to check her progress, a wave of joy passed over me. For just an instant, I saw her. I mean, really saw her, the way I experienced her when I was pregnant with her. Her spirit was so strong and all encompassing, when I finally met her, I knew her name had to be Aura. Just as I did when I looked into her eyes for the first time and noticed what a wise old soul she is, I understood so much about her and felt such gratitude for the opportunity to be her mother. This feeling is not uncommon, as I watch her often with that same admiration and amazement.

When Aura was an infant, I remember feeling, as she peered into my eyes, that she was looking right through me. Her presence and influence did much to inspire me to change. I was a selfish, wild and disobedient youth prior to having her. It took being a single mother for a time for me to learn many difficult life lessons. During my pregnancy, she undoubtedly felt the same emotional heartaches, struggles, and pain that I faced. I am sure those trying times did much to train her strength and empathy.

I ran two to five miles a day, and danced a lot while I was pregnant. I remember noticing that the baby had perfect rhythm and often "danced" and kicked on beat even in utero. She has kept that rhythm and has been a lifelong music lover, singer, and dancer.

I met Shawn when she was two months old. I remember our first date; the first time he held Aura and how nervous and rigid he was as if he were about to hold a fragile China doll. I said "Relax. You're not going to break her," as I put her in his arms. He loved her from the first time he saw her. Shawn and I were married six months later. Aura, Shawn and I smile with pleasure when people tell her how much she looks like him, even more so than she looks like me.

We were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple fifteen months later. By this time, we had welcomed Aura's best friend, Christian to the family. She has shared a tight emotional bond with him since the day he was born. I remember having to continually let her hold him. She would not leave him alone. The love and care she has for him is still just as strong.

She has always been very outgoing and social, yet keenly observant in an almost introverted sort of way. She talked to anybody and everybody we saw, often watching people for hours. Consequently, she's a good actress and even better at mimicking "spot-on" impressions. Her natural tendency toward leadership was evident from a young age. Her cheeful confidence attracts people young and old alike. She was often stubborn, and her need for power and control often wore me out because of our daily battles. She eventually grew out of the tantrums as her power of verbal expression grew, which was such a blessing! As she matured, her ability for concentration, deep thought and powerful verbal expression expanded greatly. We have been having deep philosophical and spiritual conversations since she was about five years old. She is a perfectionist and works tirelessly at the things she deems worthy of her time.

Aura was an incredible violinist as a young child. Sadly one day she announced that she didn't love to play and that it was something I wanted more than she did. She was about 7 years old when she told me that. I was astounded at her maturity, but still disappointed she wanted to give up something she excelled at so much. The truth is, she has excelled at any pursuit she puts her heart into. She is a fast learner and tries new things regularly. She preferred to spend her time, energy, passion and countless devoted hours to dance, gymnastics, singing and guitar. She's an amazing performer with a charisma that is truly mesmerizing to watch. I am sure it is due to her passion and purposeful decision to glorify God in all she does.

Over time, as I've recognized more and more of her gifts and talents, I have come to be more and more in awe of her tremendous strength and capacity to love and serve others. She is so much better a person than I was at her age, much more wise, devoted, obedient and accomplished.

When she was 13, a huge transformation occurred in her overall attitude and demeanor. She gained a sense of purpose and gratitude I wasn't expecting until much later. One day while I was writing on the computer and she was reading on the sofa next to me, she put her book down and made a statement that I never thought I'd hear until she had children of her own. She said "Mom, thank you for homeschooling me. A lot of my friends want to be home schooled and they beg their parents. They want to spend time pursuing their talents like art, music or dance. They don't like getting teased at school or being around a lot of bad stuff that is there. Their parents tell them to deal with it. It makes me sad because these kids know what they need and their parents don't want to help them because they might have to sacrifice their own things for their kids. They tell their kids it's too hard. It reminds me of the picture of Jesus that says "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." I'm so glad you thought I was worth it, Mom." I was dumbfounded for several minutes, and teary of course

After that time, she became very purposeful about the books she read, music she listened to, the way she spent her time. She wrote essays and stories, and gained more and more conviction and a love for truth and virtue. She went to the temple weekly from the time she was twelve, maybe missing only a period of six months when she was sixteen. That was a long enough contrast for her to realize that she would never be too busy or distracted to go without regular attendance again. This was always my prayer for her. I knew how strong, stubborn and hard headed she was as a toddler and child. I knew that if she could be set in the right direction, she'd go on forever on her own, unstoppable in her desire to do and be good. One of her first words was "appropriate." I still laugh when I think of it. And yes, it is still one of her favorite words! She sets a great example for her eight younger siblings and is conscientious of her role as an influence and mentor. She has discovered and lives well her greatest life purpose, leading people to Christ.

Aura has a courageous, daring, and brave streak that has been very fun to watch. Our family went on a river rafting trip down the Snake River in Jackson Hole, WY when she was eight. There were Class 5 rapids most of the way. The rapids were twice as high as our raft most of the time and it often seemed to buckle and fold toward the helm where she was sitting. I will never forget watching Aura soaked and dripping from the spray of the rapids, smiling as broadly as she could, laughing uncontrollably and yelling at the top of her lungs "Bring it on!" This is how I picture her in my mind. It is the statement that sums up her determination and love of a challenge. Shawn and I went bungee jumping when she was even younger, maybe five. She cried and cried to be big because she was too young and too light to do it herself as per the rules. She had a great time jumping from a forty foot+ rickety platform inside a gran cenote. This cenote was a large underground cave that we visited somewhere between Tulum and Coba, in Mexico.

Christian has earned over 50 merit badges, and Aura has basically earned them along with him, doing all the requirements and rugged outdoor fun with him and Shawn. That was her only complaint about girls' camp, the fact they didn't get to canoe, shoot guns, backpack, rappel, or climb. They made jewelry instead. She loves such outdoor activities as paragliding, scuba diving, cycling, running, backpacking, rock climbing, skiing, snowboarding, dirt biking, body boarding, jet skiing, and hiking. One of her favorite trips was to Zion's to hike the Narrows and to slot canyoneer Keyhole Canyon.

A few years ago, she started running with me. It wasn't long before her long, slender and graceful legs outpaced mine. I expect it's only a matter of time before the same will hold true for cycling, and in life in general. This is actually my hope and prayer for her. I would love for her to outpace me in every way, and in many ways, she already has. She is a truly excellent and beautiful woman, inside and out. In another year, she will be gone, off for the adventure of college away from home. My heart is already breaking, but at the same time, I'm wildly excited for her!


Thanks for all the joy you bring to my life, Aura. I love you.

Love,

Mom

Strength in the Struggle

I think if I were asked why I cycle, I'd say that I do it for the downhills. :) What joy to fly downhill at 44.4 mph--my current top downhill speed. These moments of thrill and vibrancy get me through the toughest parts; the uphills, of which my current top speed is only 12 mph.

The uphill climbs could produce a lot of misery and dread if not viewed with a perspective of appreciation. In those moments of actual climbing, chasing away the dread requires summoning all the appreciation of the benefits of the hill.

Undoubtedly, the greatest benefit the hill climb offers is strength. The mental and physical struggle to make it to the top, produce an exquisite sort of pain. It is exquisite in that it borders on the very edge of endurance. The pain is also equal and opposite the joy and thrill of the downhill ride.

I have seen the benefit of strength gained from the uphills. Rainy weather prevented me from outdoor cycling one day last week. I returned to the gym and to my elliptical training regimen. I was delighted to find that I burned 10% more calories and completed 10% more distance in the same workout time than I did two weeks prior. I literally saw measurable strength from the struggle.

Another benefit is added courage. As is the nature of improvement, what once was difficult can be mastered, and new challenges are necessary to produce the same struggle for strength and growth. I have come to learn that courage does not mean not being afraid. It means that one forges ahead despite their fear, in total faith. Being fearless is reckless, as a healthy fear is needed to guide our decisions and to cause us to call upon the Divine for guidance. Courage is taking forward action despite the fear. It is essentially choosing faith over fear. I thought of a moment that summarized that truth and it is reflected in my face.

I was preparing to do my first high altitude tow. It was winter. The air was cold and crisp and the dark clouds that morning loomed large, threatening snow. My fear mounted as my friend and flying instructor, Chris Santacroce, rigged up the towing gear and tested our radio communication.

Towing is a way to get high off the ground with the use of a truck. I was to lay out my glider, get in an active forward leaning position and prepare to run. I would have to run until the tug of the tow line lifted me off the ground, all the while controlling my glider overhead. I'm sweating again just describing it! The truck zooms down a desserted dirt road until enough line has been released that I'm several thousand feet over the ground. Then I release from the tow in search of thermals. I wavered in my decision to try it. With fear in my heart, I set my eyes on the horizon in a fixed steely gaze and awaited the forward movement of the truck. This was a moment of courage. I've faced it many times in moments from foward launching my paraglider in the Tetons, to cliff jumping into a rapid filled river, to purchasing investment property, and the most terror and joy filled, natural childbirth. Each time, I met with the same result, increased courage and ultimate joy.

The tow pictured was incredible. When I released from the tow, I was above those dark clouds, looking down on millions of circular rainbows created by the ice crystals in the cloud. I could smell, feel, even taste the clouds all around me. As I descended back down through them, the snow in the cloud collected around my face in the corners of my helmet. It was snowing up high, but it never reached the ground. I had one of the best solitary experiences of my life that morning and it wouldn't have been if I'd let the fear win out.

There's something else that was amazing about those pictures. Someone I had never met, and that I barely recall from that day, was there preparing to do some base jumping after my tow. Unbeknownst to me, he snapped the pictures. I don't even know his name. More than a year later while at Chris Santacroce's flying shop, a man approached me because he recognized me from some photos he'd taken while he was waiting for his turn to tow. I gave him my email address and received 8 pics of that morning. I loved it, as neither Shawn nor I had taken any that day. I know it was Providence as I've looked at that picture of my steely gaze, barely masking ultimate fear, many times since. It reminds me of courage and the rewards of strength and joy that come from struggle.

There is always a "downhill" behind every uphill struggle and it is definitely worth the pursuit through pain. I'm having a nice little downhill today as I finished our taxes last night with 3 hours to spare til the deadline! Also, it's Friday! Now I'm on my way out for a ride with Shawn. We rode 24 miles of flats yesterday. Looks like hills today...